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My friend and I are stressed about starting a sexual life again after several years of abstinence together. I’m afraid of hurting, and he’s afraid it won’t work. What to do to make everything go well? asks Carine, 50 years old. Dr. Catherine Solano, sexologist and andrologist doctor (Cochin Hospital, Paris) answers him.

First of all, congratulations for having discussed this period of your sex life with such simplicity with your new companion. This situation is more and more frequent with the increase in the number of divorces, separation and the increase in life expectancy.

Talking about it together is an excellent thing, not only for communication between you, but also because it allows you to unload your anxieties: talking about your fears helps to evacuate them in large part. This may not be enough to solve a difficulty, but it contributes considerably to reducing it.

On the other hand, knowing that you are feeling stressed puts you on an even keel. You are therefore no longer afraid to start with someone very sure of himself! The situation of equality is much better for everything to go well .

DON’T PLAN YOUR FIRST SEX

Above all, do not feel obliged to say to yourself: “Such a day at such a time, we will have our first sexual intercourse together”. Rather, think for a while, not to hurry, to hug each other, sexual caresses without going as far as penetration. Kind of like teenagers.

These are always great times, free from the stress of success and getting to know each other’s bodies and seeing that your body and sex are working.

HOW TO ACHIEVE VAGINAL RELAXATION

On your side, for everything to go well, you need sufficient excitement, one that leads to good lubrication associated with vaginal relaxation. This is achieved by long foreplay , at least 20 minutes of non-sexual caresses and hugs before moving on to the genital area.

In case of intimate dryness , use a lubricating gel for a protected relationship with a condom. It is often essential. And if you are postmenopausal without hormonal treatment, consult your doctor to ask him for local vaginal hormonal treatment. This treatment allows the vulva and vagina to be well hydrated, very “soft” and not to become fragile and hypersensitive after menopause.

AND HOW TO GET GOOD ERECTIONS

As for your companion, after an interruption of sexuality of more than six months, a man often has less good erections when he starts his sexual life again. And solo masturbation in the meantime doesn’t change that. Once sexual activity resumes, erections gradually return to normal.

To avoid this sometimes stressful time for a man, he can ask his doctor to prescribe him an erection medication . This medicine can act as a starter at the beginning, like for a car that has been in the garage for a long time!

This type of prescription is very common (if there is no contraindication) and allows many men to resume a sexual life that they would not have had the courage to start again for fear of failure.… Read

Turn the page or forgive and forget? Although, in the face of infidelity, the first thought is always the first, experience says that we almost always opt for forgiveness and forgetting . Of course, they have to go hand in hand. If you forgive but don’t forget, it will create an unpleasant memory that will haunt you from now on. Forgiveness must be offered ” completely “, assuming all its consequences.

The tendency is to think that infidelity completely and forever destroys a relationship, but the truth is that it does not have to mean the end of the couple. Although the vast majority of people who are asked “would you forgive your partner if he was unfaithful to you?” answer no, in practice many try to fix things.

There are several factors that depend on whether the relationship ends up being fixed or broken altogether. In the first place, it depends a lot on the person: what they are willing to forgive or not, if they will be able to live well and in peace with themselves if they decide to forgive, if they will be able to live without the other person if they decide to separate forever… The situation in which the couple finds themselves at the time of the deception also has a great influence: if they came from a crisis or if, on the contrary, they were perfectly fine and there was no need to cheat. More doubts are also raised in this situation: has it been just a heater? Or does he really not care about you and that’s why he hasn’t cared about carrying out infidelity?

To the question “ would you leave your partner if he cheated on you? Other external factors also play a role:

How was this infidelity discovered? It is not the same to catch your partner red-handed, than for him/herself to tell you with regret. If the first case occurs, it will be more difficult to forgive, since you will never know if he had continued to cheat on you for much longer. On the other hand, if he tells you and is completely honest with you explaining the reasons why he did it, you can come to understand it or even put yourself in her shoes.

Do many people know? Another aspect that is usually decisive between breaking up or not the relationship after infidelity is whether many people have found out about it. At a general level, if the word has not spread too much, it seems that couples bet mostly on second chances.

What do we understand by “infidelity”. Here the personality of each one influences a lot: while for some a simple flirtation is reason for a separation, for others an infidelity with sexual practice is not so dramatic. And there is no exact definition of what infidelity is.

In life not everything is “black or white”. Things happen under a certain context and circumstances, and our reactions sometimes surprise us. Each couple and each case is different, and in this matter each person must act in accordance with their principles and make a decision that allows them to feel good about themselves.… Read